Emptiness

I'm on the edge about to fall into the abyss only a a string holds me in place. I feel overwhelmed by life or rather maybe my obligations and dissapointments. I feel really alone as a stare at the hole inside me. I thought that void in me had been filled but it is still there and i think it has grown bigger. But i'll keep moving forward eventhough my heaviness weighs down on me. I wish that I could just walk this feeling off. Why is it that I have to think and feel? Why is it that I just can't be superficial and happy? Why do I detest meaninglessness? Why not take soma or happy pills?

I'm heading towards a break down. Life will choke me of my will to live. self pity how shameful. keeping on moving or i'll die. death is always all around. i have nothing against death my struggle is with suffering and pain. i can't accept a world where suffering is its main component. happiness is so temporary....

Something or Other

i'm trying a new method in order to just let things be and not get upset. i think of things that either hurt me or just ergh me and well i just visualize them gliding off of me. i take a breath and don't let them in. i just get tired of fighting myself and feeling bad for my feelings. i can't help but dislike certain qualities. i can't help but be sad about things. i can be so judgemental and i hate that in me but it strikes something deep within me.
i don't understand the superficiality of people, of life. smile and talk about the stupid stuff. then i think about all those people who talk about the important issue and quote the new york times. they all seem just so fake. they have no thought of their own they throw up the same garabage that they have been fed by their corporate media. our many causes have already been predetermined by society. what is the point of it all?
i have to say that i don't really like people. i haven't come to terms with that. i still want to believe in the good. i do think it is there but it is buried under so much crap that all i see is a tiny glimmer of it. i'm starting to feel nausea. it comes and it goes but i guess sooner than later it will stay. i should have always know i was a stranger. i just don't really fit in anywhere.

I don't want to be like you

Yesterday I went out for dinner with my boss and some coworkers. They all talk about their life andtheir views of it. I stayed completely silent looking intently at the people that were talking. I realize as i sat there that I really don't belong anywhere. That the combination of choices and views that make up who i am don't mesh with people. But what is worse is that I started to get this feeling of disgust towards people. Some how they all seem fake; all they are are masks.

I hate that I see people like that. I'm used to seeing the beauty of things but there is no beauty to be found in people that are fake. I think as people grow older or as the world is getting older fakeness is the norm. When was the last time you really knew someone, I mean for real. Or when was the last time someone else really knew you? I have to say I don't know very many people. I just know their masks. I always wondered if they took them off would there be someone behind it or would it just be empty space.

I can't say that I know who I am mostly when I think of myself I see an abstract painting that is constanly moving. It is just a confusing image. I always seem to confuse myself. But at least i'm trying to see past the blur. People don't try to see themselves anymore they just create the mask and that becomes them. I don't know why that offends me but it does. People just follow the stereotypes and conform to their box. Such an empty existence but I guess it is happy one.

I have been told that I think too much and I suppose I do but it is what my mind does. It thinks about life and the such. I should have been a philosopher but alas that field is also overtaken by the thoughtless who would rather study the biology of the mind than actually try to understand life. It is a sad day when all the mystic qualities of life are reduced to biology and machines. We are nothing but machines, what crap. We are nothing more than a wave at its peak about to descend into the ocean of nothingness.

Enough ramblings for today...